Weaknesses
by Tvmatchmaker795
Summary: Joan doesn't like weaknesses. In her line of work they lead to death. Of all her flaws and weaknesses, her role in Annie's life is the one plaguing her mind.
1. Phone Call

_**In my opinion, there are too FEW Joan & Annie family stories. Their relationship is so complex and is one of the best parts of the show...besides Auggie and Annie ;] **  
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_**Anyway, REVIEW!**_

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Joan doesn't like weaknesses. They lead to errors that can cost lives in her line of work. That is why she took a couple of days off. She thought that it would help clear her head of her weaknesses: drugs, Seth… and Annie. The drugs had been an too tempting option to ease the stress and tensions of work while Seth had been the temptation with a familiarity of an old life that she decided to give up, but Annie… still is a very complicated reminder of what-should-have-been. She didn't realize how attached she had grown to Annie until Annie was nearly taken away, several close times. Every time, her heart beat a little quicker with fear.

Arthur probably saw what she had yet to figure out but he chose to ignore it. They had discussed it at least more than a dozen times and each result was the same: a heated argument about work and no solution. So they both let the conversations die, but apparently, in her heart, Joan had never thought she wouldn't have children. Her job is making sure everyone in her care is safe so the motherly instincts are deeply imbedded in her job but she never believed they would surface as strongly as they had when Annie came into her life. Arthur probably saw her want for children, a daughter, arise when she was dealing with Annie but decided to ignore it. It was easier for him to let himself not care for most of the people he works with and she knows that. It's just some times there is so much diplomatic, working-both-sides attitude she can take.

She doesn't know what to do… with her weakness. She doesn't want to shove Annie away in a box labeled 'work only' yet her pain might be solved with the strictly professional relationship that box offers. Her struggle to finally define what Annie should be in her life is further complicated by Annie's cruel rebuff at her attempts to reconnect. Auggie insists Annie has been trying to prove herself, but from her side it feels like she is being shoved away.

So here Joan is, 7 am sharp and trying to make sense of everything that has happened while she was away on her break. Her mind reels as she sits by her desk, looking at the reports monitoring Annie's situation. After Annie's call to her, Eyal is now reported as kidnapped and Annie is in Amsterdam trying to save him and kill Khalid while Auggie is in Iraq.

"Joan?" A tech op named Julie sticks her head through the now open door. Joan snaps out of her thoughts and looks up at the woman. The only communication she gives is a silent glance of patience. "Auggie is on line 2." And with that, the woman is gone. Joan picks up the phone and presses a button.

"Yes?" She tries to keep the impatience out of her voice but the situation growing in Amsterdam is calling her full attention.

"Joan, I'm in Amsterdam. Annie called me and she needs my help." Her heart twinges, unable to keep the fear at bay. Another part of her wishes that Annie had asked more of her during the call made less than a day ago and to be the person Annie turns to for help. Her mind scolds her heart for pulling Annie away from the 'strictly professional' box.

"What do you need?" Her response would have been immediate, if not for her conflicting thoughts.

"This is probably going to get messy so we need an extraction team set up and back up standing by. Annie wants to try it without getting the CIA or Tel Aviv involved, but I made her agree to teams being ready." Auggie sounds tired but she knows he would do anything for Annie. If she were completely honest with herself, she probably would too but she can't focus on that now. Joan rotates in her chair and gazes out at the busy op center. She doesn't like that Auggie and Annie will be mostly alone during their mission but she knows there is hardly stopping Annie once she sets her mind to it. A ghost of smile lights Joan's face at her thoughts. Annie is so much like her when she was a young operative that it hurts.

Her weakness tightens its vice on her.

"Don't worry, we will be fine." Auggie seems to have read her mind even though the man is blind and a continent away. Joan turns back to her desk and starts to write an email requesting the things Auggie and Annie need.

"I've got it taken care of." She doesn't trust herself to say anything else. A simple 'okay' would acknowledge her concerns about the mission yet she can't say it. Auggie was put in a special box long ago. His honest work and trust in her earned her respect that few have held.

"Oh, and Joan?" Auggie's voice calls out to her like a last minute thought.

"Hmm?"

"She needs you too." Her breath hitches in her throat when she hears him say that. The ache in her chest continues to grow with unfulfilled wishes. And for once, Joan allows herself to hope- for a future with Annie, willingly, in her life. The deep need for a daughter would be filled by Annie, if only minimally.

The phone line beeps as an indication that Auggie has hung up. She slowly puts the phone down as her thoughts continue to race. Did he just say that because he thought she needed it? No, Auggie wouldn't do that- he wouldn't lie to her. A shy smile lights up Joan's face when she thinks about Annie needing her.

A ding coming from her computer snaps Joan out of her thoughts. She quickly reads the email, which confirms back up will be sent to Auggie and Annie's location. A feeling of determination sweeps over her. When Annie returns home, she will talk with her and find out which box Annie wants to be kept in. No longer will Annie be her weakness; instead she hopes Annie will be her strength.

**What do you think? Should i continue?**


	2. Glass Walls

**I really enjoy writing, although it is really hard, for this Annie/Joan family relationship that the show has going. Come on, let's try to get through the ridiculously long period of time until Covert Affairs returns...**

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Joan is sitting… waiting for Annie and Auggie to return from Amsterdam. When she talked to Annie on the phone and gave directions to Khalid, she had to remain calm and not seem worried. But now, knowing Annie is just a few minutes from walking into the DPD, her worries float to the front of her mind. What if Annie doesn't want what she does? Rejection is not something she handles well and the motivation not to fail is what makes her great at her job.

A ding echoes through the mess of desks and rooms, finally reaching Joan's ears in her office. Her head immediately turns towards the elevator. The nervousness she has been trying to keep tightly contained in her seems to escape and now permeates her thoughts when she sees Annie. A smile tugs at her lips when she sees Auggie not far behind Annie, keeping a grip on the operative's elbow. She stands up, catching the attention of several people through the glass. The glass sometimes is helpful but most of the time it is frustrating not being able to have privacy. This is one of those times.

Joan knows that her carefully practiced mask, the one she holds to protect herself, is in place yet when she makes eye contact (finally) with Annie, she fears it is slipping. The transparency of the glass worries her; she can't be as transparent as the walls around her office. Annie holds her gaze for only a second before ducking her head and leading Auggie to his office. Joan lets out a sigh. Her bravery that she collected during her time off is quickly fading. She can't let Annie be her weakness anymore. It has to be decided now... The thought is daunting. She has never been one to back down from a challenge, especially when she issues the challenge to herself. Her fuel comes from overcoming the struggles. But this- talking to Annie will confront a hope she has held for a very long time. She tilts her head slightly to the side after she turns to face the window and lets her thoughts engage her mind.

Annie _is_ what she wanted for a daughter: Strong, loving and able to handle to men-ruled CIA. The fact that she has no daughter, pains her and facing Annie makes it worse. Today, Annie will decide what role Joan has in her life and if Annie rejects her, it is like her dream of having children will disappear. Joan rubs her forehead and mutters to herself about how overly dramatic she is being. She hates herself for being so weak. She doesn't want to think of Annie as her last shot at parenthood but that is certainly what it feels like.

"You? Being overly dramatic?" A voice calls out, the tone laced with worry but poorly concealed in light sarcasm. Joan's head whips quickly towards where she heard the voice, snapping out of her thoughts. A face to the voice confirms her childish fears. Annie is standing outside the door and is nervously fidgeting with her hands. Joan feels her face pale slightly but recovers and coolly walks to her desk to sit down. She knows Annie's eyes are watching her every move and it fills her with a sickening sense of power. Here she was, worried about what Annie was going to do when Annie probably is more concerned about her reaction to everything that has been going on. She has been giving Annie the cold shoulder for a while. Truth be told, it is wearing on her. To maintain a distant relationship such as she had been doing was work on her part. It took a lot to let go when she knew she couldn't. Feigning indifference is hard so that is why she is in this spot today: ready to put Annie in a 'box'.

"Please, sit." Joan doesn't make any mention of the question asked earlier and keeps her tone as neutral as she can. Annie nods and takes a seat in front of her desk. Joan smoothens the papers on the desk, a habit of hers when she is reluctant to do something. She stops herself and focuses back on Annie.

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**What do you think? Please let me know if it is worth continuing.**


	3. Painful Memories

_**Hey! I am so glad that this is well liked because I love writing about Annie and Joan's relationship and how it should be in the series. Cross your fingers that all goes well next season for this make-shift family. **_

_**Please review and tell me what you think.**_

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"Joan, I am so sorry for-" Annie starts but Joan puts up a hand to silence her. She knows that as soon as Annie says words of apology, her confidence will be gone and her heart will melt, unable to keep the firm resolve. That's what children do; they make puppy eyes that melt the cruelest of hearts into nothing. With that thought in mind, Joan keeps her gaze trained on Annie when she speaks.

"No. I need you to listen to me. At the end, you can say what you want but I need to say what I have to now." Annie quickly nods her head, her eyes looking like Joan is about to tell her that her puppy died. "The reason I am so hard on you Annie is because I see so much potential in you. I don't want you to waste it or worse…" Her voice dies off in the end when she thinks about the sentence.

_The first thing that flashes through her mind when she sees Lena towering over a powerless Annie is rage. Pure, unadulterated rage fueled by undisclosed familial protectiveness. She cares about Annie as if she was her daughter and it only takes an instant for the hibernated mother instincts to kick into high gear. She barely registers yelling out Lena's name before attacking the woman who is trying to kill Annie for the second time. Pain rushes to her face when Lena lands a solid punch and flees. Her reaction is automatic- she needs to protect Annie and that won't happen until Lena is put to justice. Her head is throbbing as she barks orders at someone to close off the city. _

"_Are you okay ma'am?" A stranger asks her, clearly looking at the bruise forming on her cheek. It seems to snap her out of her enraged trance and her mind immediately travels back to wondering if Annie is okay. She doesn't answer the stranger, instead running back to the room that holds her hope- her future… _

_Her stomach drops when she rushes into the room and sees a doctor hovering above Annie, who is lifeless on the bed. She will never ever forget that moment: the moment when the monitor screams at her that Annie is dead and has no heartbeat. Her hand reaches out to give Auggie some reassurance. It's really all she can do now. The doctor is shocking Annie time and again but with no response. She feels her heart pounding wildly in her chest, the fear overwhelming everything. Her body goes numb while her mind can no longer deal with watching the woman she has held at arms length die. She hates herself for constantly pushing Annie away despite her heart telling her to change. And now, she will never get the chance to ask for something more aimed for family since Annie is dying._

Joan has to push away the painful memory to continue. "I want you to know that I fought to free you when you were in that Russian prison as much as Auggie. I never gave up and I hope that you can see that…" Her voice dies down, her nerves making it impossible to create the right words for what she wants to say. She breaks her gaze and looks through the glass to the busy operatives below.

"I didn't mean what I said earlier… I was confused and I felt betrayed." Annie speaks up and Joan lets her speak. Joan keeps watching the daily chaos that inhabits the DPD as she interrupts.

"You meant what you said." She forces herself to say the sentence with a firm and cold voice. Hearing those words and the silence that follows breaks her heart even more. Some part of her, hidden deep where she dares not search, she wanted to believe that Annie had never meant what she said on that cruel day. But she knows that she was naïve to hope.

"Why did you send Eyal to investigate me when I was on that mission in Israel?" Annie's question seems to come out of nowhere. It takes Joan a moment to recover from the surprise and she turns to gaze at Annie. Annie's gaze holds hers firmly, an air of bristling confrontation looming, yet Joan notices the slight hints that Annie is nervous and doesn't want a fight… like Annie's knees aren't crossed but the ankles simply hooked around each other as well as the minor twitches that occur when Annie is trying not to bite her lip. Joan is tempted to close her eyes and just give up because the conversation is clearly not going where she wanted it to but she can't give up. Not yet at least.

"I don't know what you are talking about." Joan is surprised at how tired she sounds. Her ears can barely pick up on her own voice. Annie's eyes flare up with anger. It startles her to see such a reaction as Annie stands up from the chair.

"Don't lie to me! Eyal told me that he was sent by the agency to supervise me. Obviously you thought I couldn't handle myself after Jai's death and felt like-"

"Annie!" Her voice rises as her instinct to quell an underling's harsh words flares up and she stands up too. "I never requested for Eyal to investigate you. I trusted you to handle your grief yourself or seek help otherwise." Her heart aches with pain when she realizes what Annie's accusation meant. The fact that Annie had believed so easily that she would betray her trust by going behind her back to find answers hurts more than it should. Joan looks at the ceiling with the sting of fresh tears. Without a word, she presses a button on her desk that effortlessly closes the shades. The sound of the mechanical shades draws Annie's attention back to her. Out of the corner of Joan's eye, she can see Annie anger faltering and she hates that it is because of her tears. She rapidly swipes them away and stares back at Annie, ready for the charged argument to end already but knowing it isn't.

Annie looks at her with puzzled eyes. "Then who did?"

Joan shrugs and wraps her arms around herself, trying to regain some security and pride that she lost with the tears. Annie stumbles over to the couch and practically collapses onto it.

The sight of Annie in such a trouble state makes her heart race with concern fueling each rhythmic thump. She immediately walks and sits next to Annie on the couch but leaves at least a couple feet in between, to keep the distance. Despite being yelled at and all the pain Annie has caused her, Joan can't find it in her to have such an icy demeanor towards Annie. Once again, the role of a mother fits so preciously but it is outside her grasp.

"I can find out." The softness of her voice startles Annie. Annie looks at her, without any trace of anger, and seems to be incredulous that she could forgive so easily. Joan struggles to restrain her motherly instinct to reach out and comfort Annie. She too is surprised at how easily she can forgive Annie. It is easier now that they have talked but just a few weeks ago, she was done and ready to give up. And now, she feels a renewed sense of responsibility and compassion for the young woman.

Annie glances at her hands and stares at them for a while. The silence permeates her office. The last part of Joan that was determined to continue to punish Annie fades away when she realizes Annie is already punishing herself.

"I don't get it." Annie's voice is small and so unlike the strong woman Joan is used to. Joan tilts her head as a way to urge Annie on. "I thought I burned the bridge between us- I was so cruel when I had no right to be and yet you are here, ready to help me… Why?"

Joan isn't surprised the question came up, after all that is the question she has been waiting to answer. She knows her reply will set the tone for their future. A sudden burst of fear tugs at her heart. She isn't ready for this- for Annie to be so involved in her thoughts and life, is she? Fear of ruining whatever progress she and Annie have made before this moment invades her mind. Taking a deep breath and summoning the strength that has gotten her this far, Joan inches just a tiny bit closer. It is enough to make Annie to stop staring at her hands and look at her.

"What you said was out of line but I meant what I said when I wanted you to think the people you could count on are here…" She lets the last part drop off a little bit. She knows she is traveling into dangerous waters, admitting something so close to her heart but it is too late to turn back now.

Joan carefully observes Annie's reaction. Annie's eyes widen slightly and she opens her mouth then closes it. Annie's eyes flicker away from her own and they search the air for a moment and Joan knows Annie is just now processing what her statement means. Her breathing slows down as each second passes by without a response from Annie. The fear she desperately pushed away is making its way back into her mind and it festers her even worse than before.

"Joan, I- I don't know what to say." Annie breathes out as a reply. Joan shifts on the couch, uncomfortable with the amount of vulnerability that this conversation is calling for. She keeps her gaze trained on Annie, reading the young operative's every move for a sign that she has gone too far. Annie looks back at her with an expression so much like a confused child that it hurts. She has to swallow the lump that forms in her throat.

"I want to be here for you Annie." Joan has to look away from the woman who she yearns to have for a daughter. She resists the urge to laugh as the thought registers in her mind. How twisted is she, which her deepest wish to throw herself at Annie and offer to be a mother figure when she has no right to?

"Even after everything that I've done and said?" Annie speaks up with a timid voice. Joan wants to let herself only a brief glance Annie but her gaze lingers when she sees a flash of hope shinning in Annie's eyes. Her heart speeds up with hope as well. Can Annie really want what she wants? Is it possible? Annie's eyes search her own for the truth.

"I know now that you felt betrayed because you thought I didn't trust you and I don't blame you for feeling that way. I just wish you could have come talked to before things went as far as they did." Joan closes her eyes for a second to compose herself. Now is not the time to get mad. She opens them to find Annie staring at her with the same hopeful yet confused expression. "I want to be a constant for you: someone that you can rely on throughout the chaos that happens in the DPD."

"I've always seen you as someone I could rely on… before the Israel incident which started everything." Annie's voice trails off as if mentioning their argument might spook her off. Joan smiles at Annie's admission. Knowing that Annie already sees her as a constant brings her halfway to her goal.

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_**Please tell me what you think in comments and opinions. :)**_

_**P.S. Thank you so much to 'Guest' reviewer who suggested the flashback thing during the time of Lena's attack on Annie. **_


	4. Hopeful Conversations

_**I really love the responses to this story. I am so glad that I can make this unbearably long break between seasons just a little bit better. Just an FYI, starting from the 2nd chapter, this is happening before the season finale's honoring Jai scene with Henry Wilcox. **_

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"You know, sometimes you are one of my weaknesses." Joan's mind can't stop the words from being blurted. Her eyes widen at her own mistake. She should have kept that in her head and just settled for being there for Annie as a mentor. But her heart wants her to be greedy and ask more from Annie.

Annie looks taken back and even more confused. "Excuse me?" Joan knows the remark wasn't meant to have an edge but it did. Joan sighs and elaborates.

"When Arthur and I agreed to not have children because of our jobs, I was crushed." This is the moment. Her fear has been all for this point. Pushing boundaries is what makes her good at her job but right now, it feels like it is a curse to want more. Annie's features soften and she hates herself for invoking pity. Pity is not what she wants so she has to continue. "I guess I always searched for something to fill the hole that was left by that agreement. And when you came into my office, so headstrong, smart and so like me when I was younger, you reawakened that search that I thought I had buried. I don't know what it is but you are different than everyone else who has come into my office. I didn't realize that I found what I was looking for until you were nearly killed by Lena. Seeing you lying on the hospital bed- without a heartbeat scared the hell out of me. I constantly worry that something might happen to you and there would be nothing I could do… my weakness."

Every fiber in her being is telling her to cut off her emotions right here and now, and that it is a mistake to be telling Annie this. Joan hopes that Annie can't hear how loud her heartbeat is because it is banging against her chest and filling her ears. Annie looks away and takes a deep breath, no doubt processing the emotional mess Joan just dumped on her. Joan sits with baited breath in the silence. The silence that, with each second, deteriorates her hope of Annie accepting what she has to offer.

The lack of control is getting to her. She is not used to being so vulnerable. Joan stands up abruptly and it startles Annie, who jumps slightly in surprise. Joan takes a deep breath and prepares herself to emotionally cut herself off. She can't bear the thought of being hurt again.

"I know that you have a family of your own and I don't have a lot to offer but-" Joan begins to ramble but Annie stands up, effectively stopping her. Annie stares at the ground for a moment before looking up with a startling look of determination.

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_**I know, short chapter but hang in there. There is plenty of time between now and CA returning. Hopefully I will update before New Year's but I'm not sure... UNLESS I have a ton of reviews that tell me otherwise. ;)**_


	5. Annie Back Home

_**I am really excited about my Joan and Annie stories. I'm glad that people appreciate and need them to get along just as much as I do. :)**_

_**FYI: I'm kinda paranoid about making sure that there is no room for romantic interruption. That is why I have to skip the subtleties and just define it as family. I could not stand it if anyone was confused and wanted a romantic femslash situation. So you've been warned.**_

_****_**P.S. This chapter resets to beginning-ish of story to state Annie's pov. **

_**Enjoy! Please review. :)**_

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Annie's mind is racing. Her calming breaths do little to stop her worrisome thoughts. The plane ride from Amsterdam gave her too much time for her mind to wander, her thoughts constantly going back to how her relationship with Joan is torched for good. A relationship she defined as mentor/mentee, which she cherished. Every time she thinks about Joan, a mix of emotions rises.

The prominent one is anger- at Joan for betraying her trust and manipulating her so cruelly. It was strange for Joan to show the emotions that she did on the day that she left for Russia. Annie couldn't see it then, but now she is sure that Joan was just playing on her vulnerability. She always thought Joan cared about her and trusted her but Eyal proved that wrong. She was vulnerable after nearly dying from Lena's dual attempts and she let her anger slip and allowed Joan to be there.

The second emotion is pain. She is hurt that she put her trust in Joan and Joan didn't return it. It hurt her a lot more than she thought it would so she buried it in a shroud of blatant remarks that no doubt bordered on rebellion. It infuriated her more to see Joan act as if she were the one hurt most, as if Annie was the one to pull away when clearly Joan made the first move. Despite her anger, there is a festering part of her that desperately wants Joan's approval and it kills her to think she has screwed up any chance of satisfying that part. Her head is jumbled with thoughts that are clouded with emotion that she can't cipher and the plane ride did little to clear her head…it actually made it worse.

So here she is, walking into the DPD offices to face Joan. She isn't alone. Auggie is gently clutching her elbow and walking by her side. Auggie gives her strength to look at Joan's office. Fear, anger and betrayal scratch at her chest when her eyes meet Joan's. Joan is standing there- tall and always the stoic leader. Annie tries to handle the torrent of emotions that rush upon her and hide them expertly but the fear of Joan seeing through the façade makes her duck her head. She leads Auggie into his office, where he lets go of her and maneuvers easily through the office to his seat.

"Are you going to talk to her?" Auggie's voice snaps her out of her thoughts and she looks at him to find his boyish smile plastered on his face. No doubt he thinks that she is impressed with his perceptiveness for being a blind guy. Annie can't hold back a smile. Auggie's smile is always infectious and lightens her mood considerably. However, the smile isn't enough in this situation and Annie lets out a sigh.

"I don't know… I've already messed it up so much. I don't think anything I do can fix what I said." Annie glances at Joan's office once again and sees Joan staring out the window with her back towards the clear office walls.

"What did you say to her?" Auggie speaks up, curiosity lacing his tone. Annie turns back to him and sadly smiles.

"Nothing that can be taken back." Annie watches as Auggie goes back to work on his computer but she can tell he is still waiting for more. "I just told her the truth about how I felt being left in a Russian prison to rot-"

"Annie, Joan was fighting tooth and nail for you. She never gave up and I could see, insert ironic joke here, how much she beat herself up for letting you go alone. I know- she and I worked our asses off to get you out of there." Auggie interruption startles her. Annie rolls her eyes at yet another person's attempt to tell her that Joan cared about her. Anger boils up when she thinks about the people Joan has manipulated around her to make them think that.

"But you were the one who got me out!" Annie's voice rises much louder than she expected and Auggie visibly is taken back by the outburst. She reaches out and places a hand on Auggie's, as a way of silently saying sorry. He flips his hand up and squeezes hers but his face hardens, a scowl crossing his features. The conflicting attitudes confuse her more.

"I went through a different system than her though! Joan has to work with the agency because of her job and there was no way the CIA was going to acknowledge your existence. You have to understand that there was no one who would have worked any harder than she did." Auggie's face continues to hold a scowl and she is surprised that he is so adamantly defend Joan. His words echo through her head as the silence coats the room. Maybe she was wrong in yelling at Joan? Maybe Joan didn't leave her to rot like she blamed her for. A sudden twinge of intense guilt sinks in her stomach.

"I- I never thought of that. What should I do now?" Her voice has none of the strength and anger that it held before. Auggie's features immediately soften and he squeezes her hand once more.

"Talk to her. I think she needs to know that you don't blame her for the time you spent in the Russian prison. And you two need to work out whatever it is that you need to." Annie's thoughts suddenly go to Israel and the betrayal that left everything in shambles in its wake.

Admitting that she was wrong is not something Annie is good at but she is willing to try if it means Joan will trust her again. Annie lifts her hand out of Auggie's grasp and silently walks out of his office. She doesn't have to turn around to know that Auggie has a smug grin on his face, knowing that he was right. Her kitten heels click against the floor as she struts to Joan's office.

The secretary isn't there so Annie stands at the door, staring at it and trying to gather her courage. She has to swallow her pride and apologize. She has to make things better between her and Joan. Fear claws at her chest as she thinks about the outcome if Joan doesn't forgive her. It scares her to think that she permanently damaged any chance of saving what is left of their tattered relationship... one that sometimes took on the roles of mother/daughter. Her head instinctively cants to the left, bewildered by where that train of thought came from. Maybe there had always been a trace of it before but she never noticed it until it was gone. Joan's protection and care were taken for granted and she hates herself for taking advantage of a situation out of Joan's control to punish her. Now she wants it back: the protectiveness, the checking to see if she is okay, and everything she never knew existed before. Taking a deep breath, Annie pushes the door open and walks into the doorway.

Joan is still standing, staring out the window with a distant and pained expression. Her eyes seem to be searching for something beyond the window and for something not within her reach. Annie can't say a word because the rare sight of Joan being vulnerable intrigues her. Her eyes flicker to something moving and it takes her a moment to realize Joan is talking to herself. Her ears strain to pick up what she is saying but she does. She resists the urge to chuckle at Joan's statement and instead settles with making her presence known.

"You? Being overly dramatic?" Her voice in the quiet room seems to startle her mentor and Joan whips around rapidly, her eyes searching the room for a moment then landing on her. The gaze makes Annie fiddle with her hands. The action can usually soothe her nerves but it isn't helping. Joan's face pales slightly and it makes Annie worried that Joan might be not well but Joan recovers. The well-practiced mask of indifference with firm features slip effortlessly onto Joan's face, hiding the paleness that was there before. She is impressed by the control.

"Please, sit." The way Joan says that makes Annie shudder; a reminder of the wrecked relationship evident in the harsh, cold tone. She numbly nods and sits. Her eyes watch carefully as Joan sits as well. The seconds pass by and she can't sit in silence anymore.

"Joan, I am so sorry for-" She starts but is interrupted by Joan raising her hand. The feeling of her heart pounding wildly in her chest overwhelms her. She needs to apologize and set things right but Joan won't listen. What if Joan won't listen?

"No. I need you to listen to me. At the end, you can say what you want but I need to say what I have to now." Fear once again seeps through Annie's thoughts. All she can think about is the excuse that is sure to come about how Joan is so disappointed in her. "The reason I am so hard on you, Annie, is because I see so much potential in you. I don't want you to waste it or worse…" Joan's voice cracks at the end. Her mind whirls with the information that Joan's tough exterior is cracking because of her. And for about three seconds, Annie can tell Joan's mind is somewhere else- with her eyes glazed over. But as soon as it appeared, it disappeared and Joan's firm gaze centers on her. "I want you to know that I fought to free you when you were in that Russian prison as much as Auggie. I never gave up and I hope that you can see that…"

That is so not the direction she thought this speech was going to go. Annie releases the breath she didn't know she had been holding. Joan, however, seems to be more distressed by the statement and turns to the window, once more searching the skies. So she blurts out the first thing on her mind that would make Joan feel better.

"I didn't mean what I said earlier… I was confused and I felt betrayed." Annie knows that is a lie. At the time, with all the hurt and pain swirling in her head, she meant every word. She visually flinches when she replays the conversation in her head. The tone she used with Joan makes her hate herself even more. More guilt settles into her stomach, forming a huge pit that nothing can undo.

"You meant what you said." Joan doesn't even turn around to address her. Every fiber of her wanted to believe and hope that she hadn't hurt Joan enough to keep her away but clearly she was wrong. She never wanted to hurt Joan but she has and now she has to sleep in the bed she's made. Is that the way the saying goes? Her mind wanders but suddenly a thought pops into her head; Joan has to deal with the consequences of Israel too because she was the one who sent Eyal and it was that distrust that started it all.

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_**Whatcha think?**_


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